Saturday, 15 August 2009

can an Evil Atheist understand biblical context? (religiorant/humour)

this was in response to a question asked of me in a christian's blog about how does a non-believer know bible context? without even reading the bible I might add to that question... but I thought it a bit of a waste to just have it as a comment.... so... here's some pre-amble first.

I *have* read the bible, I'm proud to inform you all that I nearly made it half way through genius, gensus, genus, genisous, heinous? .. Genesis! right up to about that bit where Noah did his crazy thing with that boat trick... from there it was... urr... no ...

then I read the bit where Jesus was tempted by the devil in the desert or whatever it was... well at least I think I did, seeing how I was about 7/8/9yo (??) and all I remember of that, was that the bible I was reading was illustrated and had a very nice drawing/painting of Jesus and this red devil sort of character flying around... and well..

what was i saying? oh yes, then I read Revelations with the whole 6-6-6 yards and the Bark of the Meast, and well, then I was hooked on Rucifel!! Rucifel Natas, the great deceiver, that one dude that stood up to god...

Satan is my motor

bahahaha... they should take the references to Satan in the bible OUT!! because maybe, just *maybe*, everyone would then *FORGET* about him!! STOP DWELLING ON THE NEGATIVE, you IDJITS! oh what am i yelling for? The Rapture has been and gone, Blondie 1981... sheesh... missed it already, FOOLS

I wonder how many other evil ideas have people got out of the bible because it said that was this and this was that because it was.... *EVIL*..

Imagine some innocent person who gets accosted by some religidiot bible bashing moron... ten minutes later that person is going to be "oh if it's evil, I *got* to try it now.. I don't want to be like that bible basher!! what's that ''don't be gay?'', I never thought to be *gay* before, i think i'll try that first, then I'm going to have sex with animals, never had that idea before until the BIBLE told me not to have sex with animals! not sure I'm going to like the snake and lizard salad though, but I'll try anything to be different to that bible thumpin' moron!! - oh wait! what's this? the bible says eating locusts and grasshoppers is OK??

Levitcus 11:21 Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon [all] four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth; Levitcus 11:22 [Even] these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind. 11:23 But all [other] flying creeping things, which have four feet, [shall be] an abomination unto you.
--King James V Bible

oh? right! context.. that's what i was talking about... using the book of Locutus of Borg as an example, wait.. the book of Leviticus, I mean, this is the bible, not star trek... the bible just isn't *that* cool...

btw! bahahahah @ Leviticus 11:23 for saying insects have FOUR legs... *bzzz* .. FAIL .. but I will concede that back then, that maybe insects just did happen to have four legs, I mean, it was a long time ago, surely evolution would explain the six legs insects have today, right?

oh right back to what i was saying, here's the context in context, contextually, no less..

the way I see the context is this, how does Leviticus apply to me? .... why would *I* need to be told that all of those things are abominations? ... I think a lot of believers are not asking *why* and *how* the bible applies to them in the here and now.. sure the bible has all this stuff about do this, do that - but how does that apply to me today? Bible says "thou shalt not murder" ..I knew that already, simply because it's not a nice thing to do, it's not something you would do if you wanted to get along with people. same with coveting someone's wife etc etc

just say i'm sitting around on the beach watching the waves and the clouds roll by, and some dude walks up and says "do you mind if i talk to you about the bible?" .. and i say "well, i'm bored, so why not?" .. then this guy starts telling me all of these things that are abominations and "ye shall not enter the kingdom of god if blah blah blah" and other doom and gloom things, many of which would never even cross my mind in the first place, let alone go and do.....

so once he's finished, I might say "why are you telling me this?" ...

i'd imagine that he would say "because god doesn't want you to be a sinner!" ..

"well, that's fair enough, but what makes you think *I* need to be told these things?" ....

"so you can be saved and go to heaven" ....

"no, I mean why did you walk up to me and tell me all of these things out of the blue? i was just sitting here watching the clouds, I mean, I'm not wearing a hot pink jump suit, or a summer dress, so I'm obviously not a cross dresser (at least in public ;), and I'm not effeminate in my appearance, at least I thought I was reasonably manly looking with my goatee and rugged appearance, that and I don't wear makeup of any kind....

I'm not wearing a necklace of eagle and osprey talons, nor do i have a gun or a spear at my side, so it's not reasonable to assume I hunt birds of prey and eat them, in fact, most eagle species are protected around here because a lot of them are an endangered species, so it's actually against the law to hunt them, i didn't need you and your bible to tell me that either!!....

I'm sitting here on the beach, I'm not in the water trying to catch me some whales and dolphins or jelly fish to go and eat and I'm not back up their under the trees trying to catch a snake or a lizard for dinner either and as for lying with a man, not that it's your business, but I'm straight....

So I ask you, why does god need me to know all this stuff if I'm not doing it right now and there is no evidence that I've ever done any of those things and that I'm probably never going to do any of those things anyway? I might also mention that I had never thought of being a cross dresser until you said it was an abomination, so if I do become a cross dresser, it was *you* that gave me the idea! ....

Leviticus chapter 11 sounds like some sort of "riot act" being read to teenage children whose parents who have just got home from a month long holiday only to discover that their entire house has been trashed by their ''trusted'' children with parties and all sorts of lewd behaviour every day and every night with group sex orgies and drugs and killing random creatures that pass by for food when they were too lazy to leave the house and go down to the shop and buy food with the money their parents left from the shop the whole time while the parents were gone!! ......

also "why" are these things regarded as an 'abomination' in the first place? could it be that god doesn't want us to kill eagles and owls and similar creatures, not because those creatures themselves are an abomination to eat, but because they don't reproduce as quickly as other animals, could it be that god is telling you it's an abomination to eat these creatures because there aren't that many of them and that the people Leviticus was addressing were very close to wiping all the eagles out in the local area? Especially since god gave us chickens and turkeys and cows and sheep and what not to raise and eat, so maybe they were just randomly eating any old creature that came by? .....

Maybe god said eating snakes and other creepy crawlies was because he wanted you to eat the creatures that have been designated as "food" for humans to eat? .....

Also, Could it be that god was telling those people that touching the carcasses of dead beasts was unclean because they are likely to carry a disease of some sort? and the breaking of vessels (containers) that have dead things in them is always a good idea because you wouldn't want to be drinking out of a cup that had a dead rat in it, ever!! These are all practical, common sense things that I didn't need to be told.....

Could it be that god didn't want the ancients to eat camels, because that's how they were supposed to get around to other villages to make trade with other people, to spread god's word? ie. If they ate all the camels they'd have to lug around their stuff by themselves and would probably have to leave things behind as they were too heavy? It doesn't make sense to eat your means of transport!!! .....

as for men lying with men as they would a woman, could it be that god was telling the intended audience of Leviticus to stop having "gay sex" because they were *all* or nearly all of them were doing it and that it was likely that had they continued, that they were going to become extinct because no-one was having children? Being 'gay' itself might not be the abomination, the abomination might just be that if every person was gay, then god's creation would not be able to continue at all? It would certainly be an abomination to god if the human race died off I would imagine....

So it really does sound to me that Leviticus was supposed to be addressed to a people that were doing all manner of "savage" activities, so to single out one thing and call that an abomination all by itself doesn't really lend any context as to the "why" Leviticus was written, because why would you tell people not to do all those things, if they were not already doing these "wrong" things? I would expect that Leviticus spoke to a people that were fornicators and adulterers and eagle eaters and snake eaters and homosexuals and beast lovers and all those other things that Leviticus goes on about. These people didn't just do one or two of these things, that they were doing *all* or most of them!"

The same goes for that bit in the bible that says women shouldn't speak in church, I somewhere read that that was addressed to a people where all the women ever did in church was gossip and chat and carry on like heads with their chook cut off, so the old bags of one particular area were told to shut the fuck up in church... seems someone took that out of context and applied it to *every* woman on the planet! bzzz .. *FAIL*

Leviticus Chapter 11

Lev 11:1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and to Aaron, saying unto them,

Lev 11:2 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, These [are] the beasts which ye shall eat among all the beasts that [are] on the earth.

Lev 11:3 Whatsoever parteth the hoof, and is clovenfooted, [and] cheweth the cud, among the beasts, that shall ye eat.

Lev 11:4 Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: [as] the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he [is] unclean unto you.

Lev 11:5 And the coney, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he [is] unclean unto you.

Lev 11:6 And the hare, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he [is] unclean unto you.

Lev 11:7 And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he [is] unclean to you.

Lev 11:8 Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they [are] unclean to you.

Lev 11:9 These shall ye eat of all that [are] in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.

Lev 11:10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which [is] in the waters, they [shall be] an abomination unto you:

Lev 11:11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.

Lev 11:12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that [shall be] an abomination unto you.

Lev 11:13 And these [are they which] ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, they [are] an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,

Lev 11:14 And the vulture, and the kite after his kind;

Lev 11:15 Every raven after his kind;

Lev 11:16 And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,

Lev 11:17 And the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl,

Lev 11:18 And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle,

Lev 11:19 And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

Lev 11:20 All fowls that creep, going upon [all] four, [shall be] an abomination unto you.

Lev 11:21 Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon [all] four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth;

Lev 11:22 [Even] these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind.

Lev 11:23 But all [other] flying creeping things, which have four feet, [shall be] an abomination unto you.

Lev 11:24 And for these ye shall be unclean: whosoever toucheth the carcase of them shall be unclean until the even.

Lev 11:25 And whosoever beareth [ought] of the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even.

Lev 11:26 [The carcases] of every beast which divideth the hoof, and [is] not clovenfooted, nor cheweth the cud, [are] unclean unto you: every one that toucheth them shall be unclean.

Lev 11:27 And whatsoever goeth upon his paws, among all manner of beasts that go on [all] four, those [are] unclean unto you: whoso toucheth their carcase shall be unclean until the even.

Lev 11:28 And he that beareth the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: they [are] unclean unto you.

Lev 11:29 These also [shall be] unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind,

Lev 11:30 And the ferret, and the chameleon, and the lizard, and the snail, and the mole.

Lev 11:31 These [are] unclean to you among all that creep: whosoever doth touch them, when they be dead, shall be unclean until the even.

Lev 11:32 And upon whatsoever [any] of them, when they are dead, doth fall, it shall be unclean; whether [it be] any vessel of wood, or raiment, or skin, or sack, whatsoever vessel [it be], wherein [any] work is done, it must be put into water, and it shall be unclean until the even; so it shall be cleansed.

Lev 11:33 And every earthen vessel, whereinto [any] of them falleth, whatsoever [is] in it shall be unclean; and ye shall break it.

Lev 11:34 Of all meat which may be eaten, [that] on which [such] water cometh shall be unclean: and all drink that may be drunk in every [such] vessel shall be unclean.

Lev 11:35 And every [thing] whereupon [any part] of their carcase falleth shall be unclean; [whether it be] oven, or ranges for pots, they shall be broken down: [for] they [are] unclean, and shall be unclean unto you.

Lev 11:36 Nevertheless a fountain or pit, [wherein there is] plenty of water, shall be clean: but that which toucheth their carcase shall be unclean.

Lev 11:37 And if [any part] of their carcase fall upon any sowing seed which is to be sown, it [shall be] clean.

Lev 11:38 But if [any] water be put upon the seed, and [any part] of their carcase fall thereon, it [shall be] unclean unto you.

Lev 11:39 And if any beast, of which ye may eat, die; he that toucheth the carcase thereof shall be unclean until the even.

Lev 11:40 And he that eateth of the carcase of it shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: he also that beareth the carcase of it shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even.

Lev 11:41 And every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth [shall be] an abomination; it shall not be eaten.

Lev 11:42 Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon [all] four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth, them ye shall not eat; for they [are] an abomination.

Lev 11:43 Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth, neither shall ye make yourselves unclean with them, that ye should be defiled thereby.

Lev 11:44 For I [am] the LORD your God: ye shall therefore sanctify yourselves, and ye shall be holy; for I [am] holy: neither shall ye defile yourselves with any manner of creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Lev 11:45 For I [am] the LORD that bringeth you up out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: ye shall therefore be holy, for I [am] holy.

Lev 11:46 This [is] the law of the beasts, and of the fowl, and of every living creature that moveth in the waters, and of every creature that creepeth upon the earth:

Lev 11:47 To make a difference between the unclean and the clean, and between the beast that may be eaten and the beast that may not be eaten.

Blue Letter Bible. "Leviticus 11 - King James Version." Blue Letter Bible. 1996-2009. 25 Mar 2009.
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these are my rantings about religion - i speak fluent sarcasm - know this when you are reading and it will save you some heartache.